"quivering catalog of caustic vapidity" would be a great name for a band

Saturday saw my four-week mark come and go. To which I say: "Um, wow."

Four weeks of life in Philly. So: What I have accomplished? What am I doing right that I want to keep doing, and where can I change? Why is my blog so boring?

A moment of reflection claims this: while on the one hand I've been whirlwind-busy with classes and people and things to do, the other hand is pretty uncomfortable of late. There's something nostalgic about having every hour of your day filled up like a good little WM student, but I'm a Temple grad student ("adult") now; what's really going on?

My other hand is no fool: this is a juvenile defense mechanism.

It's lonely here, you guys. I've been blessed to have so many people to spend time with and get to know better, but in a sad rerun of May everyone is ultimately leaving me to fend for myself. Talk about abandonment issues. I've cheerfully avoided dealing with it, but you guys, it's hard to be on a campus where no one knows your name; I hate feeling generally invisible to the world. The easy way out is to keep busy, which is starting to crack. It's particularly hard to keep up the facade when your English grad-student peers spell out the same sentiments.

Jamie's right, per usual: the little moments are the ones that crack you in the face. It's getting on the subway alone at night to go "home," or having to ask where to go in the library, or not having anyone to get coffee with on campus that sting the most. They are the painful little reminders that you're alone and just trying to stumble through each day.

I've been racing through life here at breakneck speed so I won't have time to notice them. I've loved all the things I've posted about, but secretly I've been too busy on purpose. My blog is a sad series of "I did this today!" and "This person is awesome!" There is so very little "This is how my life has changed" or "This is a life lesson I have come to appreciate" to be proud of. This blog started as something I could use intellectually to explore human experience and has degenerated into a quivering catalog of caustic vapidity.

I'm disappointed with my self-celebrity narcissism, you guys. It's so blonde of me.

I am thus embracing the next four weeks in Philly with a new challenge: slow the fuck down and take a breath. My life is a lot richer than I give it credit for -- it's high time I started acknowledging it. And maybe making some Temple friends while I'm at it.

Preview of the joys to come: My bucket list (get ready to share yours!). Why I'm studying ModBritLit/Gender and Sexuality in the first place. Poverty in Philadelphia and what it's already taught me. The President and what he means to the City. What I tell people when they ask where my accent is from (hint: 4 different states so far, no challengers).

So. I welcome you to the next stage of the blog.