perspective

When I was little and adorable and in elementary school I was kind of the teacher's darling.  I could answer any question pretty quickly and always raced through tests and so I could get back to reading the books I had stashed in my desk.  But there was one question that would, without fail, throw me into a tailspin:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Frick.

I'm told people like to refer back to what they wanted to be at 8 years old or whatever.  This is, evidently, a great way to tap into what made you happy as a child, where you found purpose and satisfaction, and what gave you hope for the future. Except, um, for me.

My friends all knew they wanted to be doctors, firefighters, veterinarians, astronauts.  Oh, not me, thanks.  The standbys I rejected one after the other: 

• I never wanted to be a doctor; why deal with sick people all the time. Plus hospitals are associated with "sickness" in my mind
  
• Not a firefighter, either: I don't even like being in smoky bars, much less burning buildings
  
• A vet? FUZZY. ANIMALS. DYING.  Done and done.  
• Astronautism, aside from rocketing me one parsec closer to my greatest fear in life, is just creepy.  I don't ever want to walk on the moon.   More power to those of you that do, weirdos.

So I usually answered

"Annie Allen: President of the United States." 

And I was most definitely that kid in your 3rd grade class.  My teachers and friends did not challenge it.

At 8, "President" was at least half true.  I had the unfortunate curse of being pretty good at school in general and interested in a lot of things, which meant I was constantly reminded "You can be whatever you want to be!'"  THANKS but that's not helpful. 
I knew the President was at least in charge, smart, famous, respected, and reserved for men, so there was that.  Screw you, sexist America.  This is what a baby feminist looks like:

Laser lights and an androgynous sailor suit.

I don't think it gets better than that.

In high school I took 7 (seven) career placement tests.  I scored equally "suitable for" humanities, social sciences, general sciences, health services, and law on pretty much all of them.  Which is not helpful.   I have a Bachelor of Sciences in Psychology from a liberal arts college, and am now in a Master of Arts program for English Literature.  Specializing: Gender/Women's Studies.  Also Woolf.

For those keeping score at home: that's zero direction.

So this is me, looking back at what I wanted to be at 8: I mostly just wanted to experience everything and love every moment.  I wanted to go places, do things, change people's lives.  I wanted to be successful, happy, and above all, busy.

This, on the one hand, is an awesome "to be" for when I grow up.  I can be free to go anywhere and do anything, on the single condition that I'm happy and healthy.  I don't HAVE to have a conventional plan, corporate America, so suck it.  Or a tried-and-true path to enlightenment.  I can just be.
On the other: welp, I'm kind of a control freak.  Planning is right up there on my "Favorite Hobbies" list.  The plan of "No plan" is horrifying and I need a brown paper bag just typing about it.  Also I dread people asking me what I'm doing with my life and hate my half-lies when I answer them.
So.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"   "What are you doing next year? After grad school? With your life?"
Honestly?  I want to be awesome.  And happy and proud and excited to start each new day. 
It's time to at least consider pursuing that.

ACT II

Stage lights dim. Spotlight upstage center. 

Enter Anne

An.      I told you that story so I could tell you this story.

I applied for Teach for America in October and attended a final interview today.  In my nervousness I tripped and ate it on-site, stabbed myself in the eye with a pen while removing the cap (a warning to you all: clicky pens are key), and called my interviewer by the wrong name twice.

Awkwardly, the best answer I could give to "Why Teach for America?" was:
"Um, that's a hard question to answer.  I can't really explain why I need to give back, or flock to nonprofit, or seek out opportunities to give low-income students a leg up on tomorrow.  I can't break down why Phonathon or SCG are on my resume.  I can't explain why putting myself through school changed my life, or why the full ride WM gave me from 2007-2009 correlates with a greater intensity of my desire to ... help.  Give back.  Reach out.  Be love.

"I can't answer that.  I will say that I'm doing this, because I have to."

I was honest, and real, and will know on January 21st if the corps wants me.  I hope they do: it's a small way to make a big difference, and a fast track to who I want to be. 

And who 8 year old Annie dreamed of being.

Exeunt

- FIN -