it is "Snowmegeddon 2: The Reckoning" and i have AN potato in my pantry.

It is not enough that THIS is the year I choose to move 300 miles due north of my homeland to the Arctic Tundra.


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It is not enough that here in the Arctic tundra snow counts as "weather" and not "Act of God." 
In Virginia, the barest whispered threat of flurries brings the hard axe of school, office, and government cancellations sweeping down from the heavens in a desperate scramble to KEEP PEOPLE OFF THE ROADS MY GOD IT IS SNOWING YOU GUYS!!11!!1
In Philadelphia, people make fun of your snowfear and for not having a winter hat.  They expect you to carry out normal daily activities surrounded by cold white stuff.  Not just go to class, either: DRIVE. PLACES. AND. BE. NORMS. And then talk about how "pretty" that cold white stuff is.

But learning to live in such a foreign environment is not enough.

NOR is it enough that The Snow Gods That Be deemed this December

The December That Preempted The End of Days With Crushing Snow.  

In Czech: "snow calamity."  In Anne-eurism: "OH MY GOD."

But THIS YEAR, the year of my great big Northern adventure, WILL be the year that record-breaking blizzard conditions ravage the MidAtlantic.
TWICE. 
Two times.
Because of course it will.

For the record, you guys, I blame me.  I blame my own blasphemous snide comments and utter refusal to accept snowliving.  I blame my bitter resistance to gloves, knitted hats, and winterizing Christine (I am SO SORRY CHRISTINE).

Please show mercy, Snow Gods, and let THIS be enough.  May this and this alone be the final Snowpocalypse (til I can get myself and Christine down to the subtropics in May and then WHO CARES what monsterblizzards the MidAtlantic suffers
NOT ME)